43. Why We Don’t Punish or Reward Our Daughter?
I was punished constantly as a kid. I was undiagnosed as autistic and literally incapable of following a lot of the strict rules at school and at home. What punishment taught me wasn’t responsibility. It taught me to fear authority, to lie when I needed to, and to focus enormously on pleasing others to avoid getting in trouble. And left me with a deep sense of shame when I constantly fell short, which has taken years of therapy to heal.
In this episode, I explain why we chose not to use punishment or rewards with our daughter. If kids only behave because they’re afraid of you, they’ll only behave when you’re watching. And if they’re doing the right thing for a treat, you’ll eventually need a bigger treat. That’s not character. That’s control. And not only does it not work very well, it’s also actually a lot harder on us!
Instead, we use an evidence-based that focuses on natural consequences. So if they’re using a toy dangerously, we take away the toy. If they make a mess, they clean it up. The point isn’t to cause suffering or prove a lesson through pain, it’s to help her understand cause and effect and build intrinsic motivation. I don’t want a compliant kid who behaves because she’s afraid of me. I want a daughter who tells the truth when she messes up because she trusts me.
In this episode, we explore:
What punishment actually teaches kids
• Why fear-based discipline fails long-term
• How natural consequences build independence
• Why rewards damage intrinsic motivation
• How to discipline without shameResources mentioned:
If you’re deep in toddler behavior right now, go watch the Toddler Tantrums episode. It’ll give you more context on what’s actually happening under the surface.
Also there are times when natural consequences don’t work, so checkout my upcoming episode on “Smart Discipline” to see what to do for those moments.
Watch on YouTube The Parenting Mistake That Makes Tantrums Worse: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7dE_MOlwXk&list=PLV-0dTh77R_nI1i3WZ7kYeagM51WeC2-h&index=23
And if you want to go deeper into shame-free discipline, check out Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids and the work from Big Little Feelings. Both are great foundations for raising kids without fear-based control.👉 Get 15% off your first Serenity Kids order with code: DADICATED15
Watch the Full Episode
Joe Carr is an entrepreneur, advocate, and passionate educator on fatherhood and partnership. Driven by a desire to provide high-quality, nutrient-dense baby food for his daughter Della, Joe and his wife founded Serenity Kids baby food brand after experiencing their own health transformations through clean eating. Now, alongside his work in revolutionizing baby nutrition, Joe is on a mission to help new dads navigate the transformational journey of fatherhood. Through his podcast and social media platform Dadicated Joe, he shares real, honest conversations about showing up for your children, supporting your partner, and embracing the identity shift that comes with becoming a dad.
👉 Get 15% off your first Serenity Kids order with code: DADICATED15 https://myserenitykids.com/
